I have to post this question again because I only got one answer: Do you like my story?
I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with the Russos. They are too different, even for me. Their type is rare, almost un-human. Their world is different than mine. They have a different look on life. I don’t know what they are. All I know is that I can’t be here.
…….
I am crouched in between an abandoned building and dumpster, in the worst part of Basket. I don’t know why I came here anyway. I am from Daisy City, but I ran away from home whenever my parents said I couldn’t be with Ryan Russo. I haven’t seen or heard from my parents in over a year.
Ryan Russo was my boyfriend, until he drove me crazy. I mean, really crazy. His family is SO different than mine! By different, I mean, like he wasn’t even of my species. Like an animal.
But he isn’t a vampire.
This isn’t Twilight, I’ve read that book, it’s not true.
Ryan Russo was evil. But he was magical, too.
He isn’t a wizard.
This isn’t “Wizards of Waverly Place”, a show I had to watch with my little sister when I lived with my parents.
He isn’t a werewolf.
He isn’t an “evil scientist.”
He isn’t an alien.
He’s different, though, very different.
I get up, just to turn and see a Pit Bull running to me, barking. Behind the dog, is Rihanna Russo. She’s probably wondering why I just ran out for “no reason.” No, I didn’t have a reason at that time in particular, but I got to thinking, and I realized how weird Ryan Russo and his family were.
“Caytlyn! There you are! I had to get Killer here to find you!”
“Oh, yay, I’m happy you found me, Rihanna,” I said, looking into the eyes of the evil Killer. He fit in with the Russos well.
“Where did you go, Caytlyn? And why did you go at such a random time?”
“Rihanna, I do that sometimes.”
“Ohhh-kay. Well, you probably need to get back to our house, Caytlyn. Let’s go, Killer.”
“Yeah, let’s go, Killer.”
Rihanna Rosalitae Russo, with her dark hair, light blue eyes, perfectly pink and shiny lips, pale skin, long nails, uninviting attitude towards others, curled hair, long, skinny legs, flat chest, blue vest, plaid miniskirt, and purple stockings. Rihanna is the oldest of four Russo children. Rihanna is 23, and goes to college near home, because she is not allowed to be in a dorm with other girls.
After Rihanna is 22 year old Reese Russo, who doesn’t live with the Russos anymore. He is married to Mickayla Marsh, who is part of another weird family. Reese and Mickayla have five children together, Marshall, Mickayla Junior, Michael, Miley, and Madison.
Next is Ryan, the 17 year old. I met Ryan Russo whenever we were fourteen. I was in love with him. When I was sixteen, my parents said I couldn’t be with Ryan anymore, so when his family moved, I moved with them. Now I’m seventeen, and I think I know too much about the Russos, and Ryan.
Rena is 16, but she ran away at 10, with the Benitez’s. I don’t know much about her, other then she ran away with the Benitez family because Mrs. Benita Benitez was her Godmother, and she “took care of Rena better than Rezebella,” her birth mother, and mother of all of the Russos.
Rezebella is the mother of Ryan and the other Russos. She only has me, Rihanna, Ryan, her husband, Renaldo, and the family Pit Bull, Killer, to look after. She doesn’t actually ‘parent’ us like my parents did. She lets us do what we want. I don’t think she used to let them have free wills, but they’re older now. She doesn’t have a job because she can’t work well with others. I think I’m the only “mortal” she has ever not had a fight with.
Then the last Russo is the “original Russo”, Renaldo Russo. He has never talked to me, but I have heard him speak to Rezebella before. He doesn’t sleep inside, or ever come inside. He stays underground in a cage, because he kills humans. I heard that he killed humans from Rena’s former best friend’s cousin, who said that whenever her sister was six, Rena’s father killed her, she doesn’t know how he did, but she knows he did. His children have never talked to him, and he can go for longer than a year without seeing somebody, I heard.
Killer ran ahead of Rihanna, and she ran in her high heels.
“Killer! Killer! What’s going on, buddy?”
“Yeah, Buddy,” I thought, “That thing could kill her if she makes a wrong move.”
Killer continued to walk forward, speeding up when he reached the Russo house. Rihanna turned to look at me and said, “Ha, he’s so cute. He knows exactly where we live.”
But I knew something was suspicious.
“Rihanna, are you sure? He could smell a body, you know.”
“Caytlyn, you are so silly, nothing happened. He isn’t that trained. Or at least not as I know of, but just because you’re nervous, we’ll follow him.”
The Pit Bull ran to Ryan, who was holding a treat. Ryan Russo, with his light blonde hair, dark brown eyes, pale skin, white teeth, mysterious smile, long legs, stretched torso, and laid-back style, stared at me. He was the reason I was living with them.
“Caytlyn DeRossi, why did you leave?”
CONTINUED:
Ryan asked, petting Killer.
"Ryan, I’m sure you would know," I said, as I walked inside.
NOTE:
The Name Russo was completely original and I didn’t even know that the last name was Russo on Wizards of Waverly Place, XD
It’s great. I really got into it!
I loved the fact you jumped us in at the deep end. And we had to piece most of it together ourselves.
And the actually mystery of what they are which will make you read on.
The descriptive skills you have a marvelous too! I think that’s your strong point.
Your terminology is also great! Well done 
The only thing I would say is because you describe so well, you tend to ramble on in your sentences. Making them very long and boring to read over and over. Don’t get me wrong, long sentences are ALWAYS essential, but a good balance of short and long sentences is the key. Short ones can be used for effect as well but it’s more precise and to-the-point and so helps emphasize the shock the character is experiencing in the story. To help illustrate shock, horror and sudden actions of a character basically e.g. "I was frozen. I’m serious, I could not move. It was Killer. He was running toward Ryan – the last person I wanted to see." (This may not apply or be fitting for your story so please don’t feel pressured) By using the short sentences it makes it more believable because the sentence is short as an act of showing the character is very startled. This then gets to the point of what has happened to him or her. This helps keep you on your toes so you’ll want to read more of the story. And then boom! Your a global sensation 
Hope this helps you And write more – you’ve got something really good here!
~ Loopy Holz XD™
its strange but good and interesting your story is cool
References :
Wayyy to much alliteration. the rest is good but still change the names please.
References :
It’s a good idea, but there are some points in ther where it felt like I was reading a list, like when you kept naming fantasy shows or books and said it wasn’t like those. I would cut that out and get to the point. Also, when you were describing Rihannah you put in WAY too many little details. It would be easier to split that huge sentence into about three, amybe four sentences instead of listing them all out. It’s a great book idea, though. I would be interested to find out exactly what this family is.
Another tip, work on writing beleiveable dialogue. read over what people in your story are saying and try to picture someone in the real world talking that way. If it doesn’t fit, change it to how a person with their character would actually say it. For example, almost every line starts out with someone saying someone else’s name. You can just include that in the text before they actually start talking, or, if your characters are unique enough in their speech, you won’t have to say their name at all for the reader to be able to distinguish who’s saying what.
Hope I helped!
References :
I read the who thing! I like the idea, but the people are too hard to follow. You can maybe give them nicknames or something. It’s your story so do what ever you want. Can you please read my story?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvQIdtkjtoZCIk2ErHPd50Dsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090714114248AA2UBK5
References :
To be honest no. The dialog is unoriginal, the plot confusing and you introduce characters without any foreshadowing. You have to understand that the reader does not know your story so introducing the characters (and place names) is important. Also, you say a lot about what Russo isn’t but not much about what he is…that is what the reader wants to know. Also, you say he’s not of your species, but he’s your boyfriend. Such as broad statement as that needs clarifying.
Also, stating that a character isn’t like those on television and movies was somewhat annoying and superfluous.
Don’t get me wrong, for a school project or something like that it’s probably fine, but you asked if I liked it and I just found a number of flaws, including unbelievable dialog, and an implausible plot and premise.
But I gather you are a young writer and that is good. Keep writing, listen to the advice from more advanced writers and keep at it. Paying attention and practice is most important.
References :
If you’re going to insert the whole self-aware bit at the beginning, it should be followed with an actual explanation of why they are weird. Anyone so self aware of the situation as to spend ten minutes talking about how topical TV shows don’t apply, would be aware enough to spit it out. If you’re telling a first person story, it needs to be consistent. Nobody telling this story would break off the way you do.
By the way, it is usually a bad idea to tie yourself so firmly to a single point in time, by using topical TV shows and books. While I’m sure that Twilight will have impressed a number of current teens, there is no assurance it will continue to do so. The same goes for the budget Harry Potter show you mentioned. All it will do is date your book like a Moldy Peaches song referencing Thundercats (this is a deliberate obscure reference, to prove my point.)
References :
It’s great. I really got into it!
I loved the fact you jumped us in at the deep end. And we had to piece most of it together ourselves.
And the actually mystery of what they are which will make you read on.
The descriptive skills you have a marvelous too! I think that’s your strong point.
Your terminology is also great! Well done
The only thing I would say is because you describe so well, you tend to ramble on in your sentences. Making them very long and boring to read over and over. Don’t get me wrong, long sentences are ALWAYS essential, but a good balance of short and long sentences is the key. Short ones can be used for effect as well but it’s more precise and to-the-point and so helps emphasize the shock the character is experiencing in the story. To help illustrate shock, horror and sudden actions of a character basically e.g. "I was frozen. I’m serious, I could not move. It was Killer. He was running toward Ryan – the last person I wanted to see." (This may not apply or be fitting for your story so please don’t feel pressured) By using the short sentences it makes it more believable because the sentence is short as an act of showing the character is very startled. This then gets to the point of what has happened to him or her. This helps keep you on your toes so you’ll want to read more of the story. And then boom! Your a global sensation
Hope this helps you
And write more – you’ve got something really good here!
~ Loopy Holz XD™
References :
I’m a writer