Proofread my 6 paragraph essay on the black market?
Please help me out! I just need a proofread and a few changes to make it better please.
The black market has evaded police for hundreds of years, causing a wave chaos and fear to ripple across the entire world. Annually the black market has a sales profit of approximately 1.3 trillion dollars, that’s more than any major market around the world makes in a year. Products that are sold in the black market range from elephant tusks and cat fur coats, to human slaves and military weaponry. The Black market is a terrible thing, and it needs to be stopped as soon as possible, no matter the cost.
Animal Cruelty is one of the most profound challenges that authorities have to deal with that relate directly to the black market. There have been numerous instances where people have been caught skinning dogs and cats alive, and leaving the animal to suffer and die once completely skinned. The fur that is torn from these companion animals is later used to make coats, mittens and other outerwear. Some of the fur is distributed and bought by manufactures around the world, its origin masked by another animals name, so the next coat you buy, could have connections to this terrible and disgusting bout of animal cruelty.
Each year over a million of critically endangered animals are stripped from their homeland, and either hurled into cages or aquariums to be sold on the black market, or slaughtered and stripped of their valuable pelts or tusks. This is becoming increasingly hazardous, because some of the world’s most endangered species continue to be hunted for sale on the black market, some of these animals include: Tigers, Elephants, Polar Bears and Sharks. Elephant tusk today nets the salesman about 2,000 Canadian dollars a kilogram, a very good price when the weight of ivory is taken into consideration. Overall animal smuggling is posing a significantly large threat to ecosystems around the world.
Weapons in the wrong hands can lead to destruction, pain and suffering, even more so if they are purchased in large quantities. We like to think that our guns are regulated and watched closely, to make sure they do not fall into the wrong hands, but the world we live in today makes that thought a far off dream. The black market sells over a million firearms illegally each year, the majority of them coming from the military. How did the military let its guns fall into such a sales ring? We’ll never know the answer, perhaps it was someone inside helping out a friend, or someone who was working on the inside and wanting to make a few extra bucks, either way the sales are rapidly increasing, and with that rapid sales increase, comes an increase of danger to civilians internationally.
Human trafficking is a severe crisis, globally thousands upon thousands of people are bought and sold each year, without a say in the matter. The act of Human Trafficking exploits human beings in involuntary acts such as forced labor, prostitution, and psychological and physical abuse. Human trafficking deprives people of their human rights and freedom. It is also a global health risk due to infectious diseases like AIDS and cervical cancer being spread rapidly throughout the trading of slaves. The majority of of humans trafficked are women (80%) and over half of them are children, making this one of the most sick and twisted aspects of the Black market.
Stopping the black market dead in its tracks would be the best solution to this growing predicament, but with the reaches of the black market exdenting around the world; it will take years upon years of consistent effort to bring this terrible market to its knees. I would like to help fight against the black market, but there is no place for me to help, the market is well hidden, and alone I wouldn’t stand a chance. This issue is one best handled by professionals, and they have been working hard for many years to combat this terrible underground sales ring.
It’d be nice to know if I’m grading this for 8th grade or 12th grade british literature. lol
6 sentences in a paragraph. Alot of people don’t I only saw the first paragraph with 4.
Also the animal cruelty paragraph I think this sentence:
Some of the fur is distributed and bought by manufactures around the world, its origin masked by another animals name, so the next coat you buy, could have connections to this terrible and disgusting bout of animal cruelty.
I would get rid of some of the comma’s and make them sentences or semi colons. I got lost in this one actually. lol
Also in my British lit class we HAVE to have internal citations. Like i said I’m not sure what class you are in.
Seems good over all just make sure you have consistent tone, not going crazy on commas and that you have complete sentences.
P.s. Trafficked? just checking never saw it spelled that way.